‘No bombing.’

Spelled out, clear as day. In black and white on board next to the pool. Under the heading POOL RULES.

But still they bombed.

‘Please don’t bomb,’ we begged, as the second one took her position on the pool’s edge.

SPLASH!!!

We tolerated it until my phone, and my friend, copped a soaking.

These bombers were having fun and were not going to cave into our disapproving stares and ‘tut tuts’.

I know. Spoil sports! But it was cocktail hour. We’d settled into our poolside lounges long after the kids who’d been at the pool all day left for an early dinner.

Or so we thought.

Poolside drinkers looked around for someone in authority to enforce the rules and put the bombers in their place. But there was nobody in sight.

Where’s the ref with the whistle when you need one?

The bar staff studiously ignored them. They were young and probably on a casual roster. If one of them was in charge, they were not letting on. I don’t blame them. Who’d want the grief?

Would anyone step up? On the face of it, we all looked like fairly responsible adults but nobody did. And us two? We switched bars. Cowards.

It got me thinking.

At first, I thought those bombers were a bit like the disruptors in a gathering. You know the type.

💣 The had-one-too-many friend at a party who makes inappropriate comments during the speeches. They think they are funny but we don’t.

💣 The loud one in a meeting who chucks grenades from the sidelines.

💣 The passive aggressive sleeper at a workshop who drops a bombshell, right at the end, when the group thought they’d reached a consensus.

But maybe I’m being ‘judgy’. Making assumptions.

Let’s err on the side of generosity. Maybe they really hadn’t seen the rules. After all, staff didn’t point them out to us as we walked into the pool area.

If there are rules, tell people. There are lots of creative ways you can do this (ask me!)

Or maybe, at their pool, bombing is allowed. It’s a fairly automatic response for a lot of people. See pool, bomb. Why else would there be a rule against it?

What we do at our place may not be okay elsewhere. Those assumptions again.

My biggest take away for workshops, however, was about the ground rules that groups are often asked to create at the start. Mistakenly, as I talked about in my video last week.

A set of rules on a wall at a workshop does not a group agreement make. They’re about as effective as the sign at the pool.

I know, I know. The group came up with these rules. The facilitator asked them, ‘how would you like to work together?’

Who wouldn’t respond with things like, ‘listen to each other’, ‘respect different views’, ‘wait for others to speak before you jump in’, ‘agree to disagree’ – blah, blah, blah.

Forgive my cynicism, but I’ve seen so many carefully crafted and beautifully written ‘group agreements’ ignored, almost from the moment they’ve been stuck up on the wall.

Surely not, I can hear you counter. They created the ground rules so they’ll follow them. And call it if they are not followed.

Not so in my experience.

Just like at the pool, a group of responsible adults finds it hard to ‘call’ the disruptors. To ask them to desist and to follow the rules.

My tip? Don’t ask the group how they’d like to work together.

Instead, ask them about their experience of working with groups. We all have one. At work, in the local club, school, mosque, temple or church. Or even organising Christmas lunch.

Once people have a group in mind, ask them:

What worked well in that group?

What got in the way?

What comes next, I share in my video. I’ll spare you, my regular blog reader, a repeat (you can watch it here if you missed it).

The result is not a set of rules. It’s a messy set of behaviours that resonate with people’s previous experience of working in groups. I can guarantee that behind every behaviour listed, is a story from a group where that behaviour served, or hindered, at least one of those groups.

You might recall that the umpire in my Flawsome Facilitator mud map. They blow the metaphorical whistle when the ‘rules’ are not followed by a group.

Just like there was no ref at the pool to regulate the bombers, there’s not always one in a group. And a facilitator may not feel comfortable pulling out the whistle, even if it’s justified.

So, I have a process for inviting people in the group to ‘regulate’ the behaviours they have just agreed. I’ll talk about this in my next blog. If you can’t wait, drop me a line and we’ll have a chat about it. Just reply to this email or jacinta@jacintacubis.com.

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